DON'T THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIM THEREAFTER

I met my husband just over 20 years ago, said Susan, trying to put me in the picture of how she would come to loose her self respect and dignity, because she couldn’t say no to an emotional abuser like her husband. He had one or two girlfriend at the same time when we were courting but I fell pregnant, so we got married, she explained.

Years after we discover we weren’t just compatible, he didn’t stop womanizing and treated the house as a transit camp so we decided to get a divorce or better put, he wanted his freedom. In spite of the divorce, we
were still friends because of our son, and one thing led to another and we had a second child.

“Sadly, he was always having affairs as usual and wasn’t that much of a father to our two lovely boys. Because of the money he spent on his women, I got very little financial support from him, but we plodded on. Then early last year, he met his 26 year-old graduate who is a single parent of one daughter. They got married almost immediately because she said she was pregnant and enrolled her daughter into an expensive private school. In spite of this new marriage, my ex continued to sleep with me and even now, he comes round at odd hours three to four times a week. His wife then had a miscarriage and became depressed. As a result, the number of times he wants sex a week has increased. His wife never encourages my sons to visit, and since he sneaks in when they are in school, he seldom sees them.

“When I asked him if he were happy in his new marriage, he assured me he was, yet he sometimes stays the night with me, telling his wife he was at his family house. He even starts fight with her so that he can get out of the house to be with me. I’ve told him I still love him and he has to make a concrete commitment to us, but he says he now has a new family. Yet, this girl is seen at most of these society parties in company of her jet-set friends. At 47, my ex says she feels too old for the type of outing she likes. It’s obvious he keeps me hanging around in case this woman decides to get rid of him, I know my children and I will be better off without him, but he is all I have now. He says he still wants to try for a baby with his wife so they could have one together.

“I want to move on with my life, but with him breathing down my neck all the time, and telling me I am special especially when we are together, I find this difficult to do. Matters are not helped by the fact that he is a good lover!

“A few months ago, I went out of town with a few friends for an engagement party and we stayed for a week. When I came back, he demanded to know whether I’d slept with anyone. Yet, he won’t still make a permanent commitment”.

As pathetic as Susan’s story, there are thousands of ex-wives in her shoes. I told Susan she’s turned her man into a kid in a sweet shop who can have anything he wants. To men like him, the word divorce is meaningless, they remained ex-partners, yet, with the ex-wives’ connivance, continued to sleep around. No matter how selfishly Susan’s ex behaves, the message she is sending across is: I still care for you and you can have sex with me whenever you want, no matter how many other women you sleep with. And he shouldn’t be blamed if he continues with his career as a spoilt child, irresponsible father, selfish partner and a prolific philanderer.

A supposed married man who suddenly met a young woman who gave him sex and demanded all his time and money, he ditched his wife after falling helplessly into his lover’s honeyed trap and quickly married her. What happens when he eventually runs out of cash to maintain her expensive lifestyle? She would either chuck him or look for lovers who could satisfy her taste and Susan would still be around wiping his nose. I told Susan it was about time she closed the sweet shop and build a life that gives her back her self respect and gives some emotional security to her sons. At 47, her ex’s prolonged adolescence is almost over and the man child he is. He needs to learn the rules and rewards of caring adult behavior.