MORE REASONS COUPLES BREAK UP

1. Old Fears Surface.

It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitably bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed, they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with

yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue.

Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your

thoughts. If you need help and support to make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it.

You may not have healed your broken heart from past relationships that ended and you find it very difficult to trust your current partner or open your heart completely to him or her. I suggest that you stop living from the hurt of those past relationships and bring yourself into the present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the past. Commit to starting over, allowing your fears to be there but reminding yourself that this is a new day.

2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and Appreciated.

Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works!

If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in your life.

3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority.

Many couples take each other for granted and don't give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with your partner.

It is logical to think that sex happens long before the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together--Are you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances?

These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a priority. Try them in yours!

4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They are "Wrong."

One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person who you love and they love you becomes an "enemy."

Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer towards healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to find out!

5. Not healing your heart after a previous relationship breakup.

Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their previous relationship and what they could have done differently. They keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and always expect a different outcome.

I suggest that you take the time to heal your broken heart and your attachment to being a victim, in being right or whatever holds you to a previous relationship. Spend some energy in taking responsibility for what happened, forgiving yourself and your previous partner, and deciding what you want in your life.

GETTING IT RIGHT WITH YOUR PARTNER

All couples would want to be in a relationship where they are comfortable and happy. Dealing with heartbreak and pain is something you would want to avoid. In order to have a successful relationship, you must be honest with yourself and understand what you truly need from the other person. You must also accept each other, flaws and all.

In having a relationship, you must keep in mind the factors that brought you and your partner together. Consider the traits you admire most about your significant other. It can be physical attraction or personality. This will help you not take your partner for granted. People have the tendency to feel comfortable and soon lack of effort follows because you felt safe that your partner will always be around. Remember, everyone likes to feel loved and appreciated, so don’t neglect your partner and assume that everything will be fine.

It’s also important to understand that everyone has a different point of you, so don’t be surprised or hurt if your partner doesn’t always see things your way. To prevent breakups and constant arguments, you need to keep an open mind and accept your partner’s opinions. It’s also important to spend quality time together, but not to the extent that you or your partner begin to feel smothered.

Patience and honesty are the key factors in having a healthy relationship. There will always be times when you don’t get what you expect or need from the relationship. Don’t jump to conclusions or take things personally, find out first why your partner is acting in such a way. Give your partner a chance to explain his or herself. To prevent breakups, you also need communication and trust. Don’t give your partner any reason to doubt your fidelity. Focus on your relationship and be sincere.

SACRIFICING FUN FOR PEACE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Setira thought she was having the fun of her life when she kept attending parties all over town with her female friends. Her life was always filled with what friends were thinking, talking or doing and most times, there was always a party to attend. And she did that irrespective of what her husband said or did forgetting that one day, things will get to a head.

Often times people make avoidable mistakes capable of causing a disaster which leads to a lifetime regret. It is common rule referring the human behaviour that people learn from mistakes but is it everybody that learns from mistakes? A philosopher once quoted that the best way to learn from mistakes is to learn from that which others have made. If this advise has been, is and always taken serious, I doubt if their would be replication of errors.

It is always advisable to avoid relationship mistakes as relationship is a union of two people; thus, a mistake committed will affect atleast one of the parties. Certain mistakes might lead to unfixable breakups and feeling guilty thereafter may not help.

Marriage or mutual agreement of getting into relationship is not a license to express as you feel it rather a commitment to accept and tolerate someone you barely know. Remember both of you were neither born of the same parents nor bred under the same roof, so you are bound to be of divergent views. The tendency to be provoked increases when you live in the same house with an opposite sex who does not understand your lifestyle.

In the case of Setira (though newly wed), she was simply doing what she enjoys doing, catching fun and ensuring she hangs out with friends. A good relationship should not necessarily tie you down or limit your activities but when the happiness of your partner is jeopardized, you better watch your back. There are a million ways to come to a mutual agreement such that you don’t get restricted to what you used to do, and that is why communication and understanding becomes an intrigue part of any relationship.

However though, if that lifestyle is a threat to your relationship, would it not be right to adjust it so as to let peace reign? If you think that which you are doing is similar to Setira’s, a whole new adaptation will surely rejuvenate your relationship.

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT BEING UNFAITHFUL?

Every couple, when entering into an intimate relationship and hopefully before marriage should have the infidelity conversation. The understanding of infidelity is quite blurred as some may not consider “emotional infidelity” as a breach of trust but it actually is. Both physical and emotional intimacy with somebody other than your partner is infidelity. Physical intimacy or sexual relations outside an intimate relationship is distrust and betrayal, while emotional intimacy can be emotional dependence where quality time, attention and romantic love is spent with a person with whom you are not in a relationship with. In both cases, the other partner in the relationship is cheated and betrayed accounting to infidelity.

Most people in relationships would agree that commitment means never going astray in the terms obtainable for a healthy relationship. In a recent survey, it was found that many people admit to being unfaithful at some point in their life. It is surprising that the married cheated more than the singles. The reason for this varies from person to person but the single factor that is relevant to both genders is the aversion to commitment. With the romance coming to an end after marriage, many people cannot reconcile themselves to the mundane life. They want the same attraction back which is not possible in the partner with whom they have spent their last year together.

A nagging wife or a non-caring husband for example can make the spouse look for another person to get back to life. In the case of other people, it is the group tendency, societal or peer pressure that drives them to commit adultery. In case a buddy does it and shows it as something fun, there are many men who cannot resist it. The same goes for women as some friends make their mates cheat just for kicks.

Before you decide to cheat on your partner, learn to deal with the thoughts of infidelity by figuring out what is lacking in your relationship and bringing thoughts that could cost you love of your current partner and family. While contemplating cheating, think of its dire consequences, think of how it will hurt your partner and everyone else around you. If children are involved, think about how those actions will influence their life and their mental development. Infidelity does not only involve you and your partner, it impinges on your family’s mentality and tears them apart. The best solution is to locate the problems in your relationship that makes you consider looking outside. A popular sayings goes; “a problem identified is a problem half solved”. Change that cheat thought to something like; what is the best way of solving this problem so everyone becomes happy.

To deal with the ideas of infidelity, the best option is to communicate your feelings to your partner. Explain that you are experiencing some difficulties in the relationship. Tell him/her what is missing in the relationship and try to voice your present feelings. Do it in a way that it does not hurt your partner’s emotions and try to clear your doubts as much as possible so that the two of you can decide an appropriate future action (whether to make things work or put an end to it). The fact is that it is better to put an end to an existing relationship peacefully than just being unfaithful.

A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP - Such an ILL WIND.

Ever thought of what could have possibly made that gentle looking guy drink himself to stupor all alone in a bar, talking and smiling to the empty bottles, provoking virtually everyone that comes his way with some kind of light verbal assault. There could be just two reasons for such actions. Its either his means of livelihood has hit the rocks or he is a victim of broken relationship.

Other times, you find a lady being unreasonably harsh with such an offensive reply and lack of concentration in everything she does. Look inwardly and you will discover she is battling with an emotional stress. Though most ladies prefer to sober, remain calm and praying for a possible come back, others do the opposite.

Most times, the scenario can depict a typical house of mourning for the aggrieved party especially when she has tried everything possible to make it work. A break-up in a relationship can be so sad, no matter how hard we try to come over it, it’s a wound that takes time to heal, if you break up today and pick your pieces same day, then it wasn’t a relationship from the outset, perhaps you were acquaintances. A break up in a smooth sailing relationship is difficult to bear, depression and misery sets in, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s an injury that only takes time to heal.

It’s important that you understand that nothing you do or say causes a person to fall out of love with you. At the same time, no matter how hard you force yourself on someone, if he is not for you, he is not for you. Loving a person dearly is not a guarantee the person will love you back the same way. Sad though but it’s a bitter truth.

Despite how unhappy the situation has made you feel, you cannot turn back the hands of time. In desperation, you may decide to beg, pray or even try to blackmail the other party to change his/her mind but things do not work that way. The fact is that the love that ones existed has gone sour. The sooner you realize you’ve parted ways, the better for you. The most important thing is if you were able to learn from your mistakes.

If your partner calls it quit with you, you have two choices; accept and move on or wallow in self pity. Attempting to stay in a relationship where your love is no longer reciprocated is not only self destructive but belittling. Letting go is the most difficult but smartest thing to do at that particular point in time, you never can tell, that closed wooden door could be a link to opening a much better metal door. If you want a quick recovery, just take a snap out of it, wear a new cloth of life, make new friends, see it as one of those things one meet in life that makes everything look like a challenge. Your world will not crumble just because one person refused to picture in it. Take time to discover other people and you will see the world has a better thing to offer. Before you say Jack Robinson, you will be sure to find someone who appreciates and value your kind of person and give you a significant place in his or her life.

Reasons some men hardly say sorry

Hello wonderful people, I was going through some articles one day when I ran into this I think I should share with you.

“My husband and I had a heard time in the beginning of our marriage, it is better now though we still fight every now and then, but I am usually the one to say I’m sorry. Even so, I am usually the one to start talking to him because I want to let go of the fight”, says Abigail, a middle aged woman. She is worried that she is always the one apologizing and trying to make up after every fight with her husband. “My husband doesn’t say sorry, even after he gave me a black eye. He still didn’t say sorry.

I asked my self ‘when does it get to be too much that I say sorry first?’ I am starting to feel that I am being taken for granted and taken advantage of. Shouldn’t he make the first move sometimes? Shouldn’t he say sorry too? I feel like he is running over me and I am loosing myself.” So, most women will likely relate with Abigail’s dilemma. Like Abigail’s husband, most men find it very hard to apologize to their partners. Often, people wonder why that is the case. Yet, as kids, the same people learned from their elders to say, I am sorry, excuse me please, thank you. But as they grow into men, it becomes more difficult for them to utter these words, especially when it involves the opposite sex. It’s kind of annoying, the women know.

Some men, instead of saying sorry would prefer to show it by their actions. They do it in different ways. “My husband would say sorry by taking me shopping. It doesn’t work, though I love the new shoes. For my husband to say sorry, it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Never! Says Ijeoma who has been married for close to eight years. According to Brett McKay in his article-How to apologise like a man. While ‘I’m sorry’ are just mere two words, they are the most difficult for men to utter. We easily utter them in response to trivial matters like accidentally jostling a stranger on the subway or giving the cashier the wrong change. Yet in important matters and to those who mean the most to us, we find ourselves practically choking on the words. But the inability to apologize is a necessary step in moving from boy to man.”

“One of the reasons men choke on the words many people many people believe is because of pride. A proud man may find it difficult to apologize, even though deep down inside, he knows he is wrong. This is an example of a man’s ego that is out of proportion. He is more worried about hurting her pride than saying he is sorry, or worse, he worries more about his pride than his partner’s feelings”. Says a relationship expert, Josienita Borlongan.

Similar to the first, its all about the image or perception. Appearing weak in front of the opposite sex is something most men try to avoid. To some, asking for forgiveness is a sign of weakness. They think that apologizing is a sign of weakness, they think that apologizing diminishes their self respect.

Some men do not simply like to be wrong, to them; it’s a sign of in competence. Others would rather be rude and not apologize than admit their guilt, continues Borlongan. It is much more difficult to say it with words; therefore, they show it in deeds, buying their partners peace offerings like chocolates and flowers. Some become extra attentive to their partners, hoping they will notice.

REAL MEN APOLOGIZE TO THEIR PARTNER

So, why do men find it difficult to utter this healing two word sentence to their partner, one correspondent; John Uchegbu has this to say. “It’s a macho thing that some guys do, they feel the world owes them a living and why do they have to apologize for their mistake? Anyway, a true man is willing to apologize when he is wrong, and says he is sorry with sincerity. Another respondent, Mrs. Joy Umeda said it’s because men hate to lose. Jane Amah believes that the majority of men do not like to admit that they are wrong because of pride, “I suppose it’s because of pride since they have been programmed to think that the men is superior. But you have noticed that behind every successful man, there is a woman. Most of them won’t admit that but the weaker sex knows better. McKay in his book; ‘How to apologize like a man’, is of the view that men should learn to apologize even when its not fully their fault. “There is a breed of man who will not apologize unless he feels 100% at fault for something. But hardly is there a situation having 100% one person’s fault. If your wife flew off the handle and called you some cutting things for seemingly no reason, it’s not because she is not an ice princess; she’s hurt because you’ve been working 80 hours per week and not spending enough time with her. Even if the fault split is 1-99%, you still need to work hard to humble yourself and come to an understanding of what that 1% is rooted in. Do not live your life as though everyday you are pleading your case before an imaginary court, presenting evidence for why you are not at fault. It is not as important to be right as it is to have healthy relationships with others. Would you rather be right and give up your relationship with someone special? Would you rather be right than lift the hurt feelings from your better half? Being self satisfied in your justice offers little benefits but the feeling of smugness won’t keep you warm at night. Relationship experts say that you don’t have to apologize for what truly isn’t your fault, but that you can find the things that will get the ball rolling for the other person to own up to her mistakes. Don’t let pride stop you from being the bigger person and taking the initiative. That is being the real man you know!