1. Old Fears Surface.
It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship
will inevitably bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might
include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or
even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed,
they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship.
Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with
yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your
partner for what clearly is your issue.
Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you
just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those
"stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then change your
thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring
of your
thoughts. If you need help and support to make the changes
you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it.
You may not have healed your broken heart from past
relationships that ended and you find it very difficult to trust your current
partner or open your heart completely to him or her. I suggest that you stop
living from the hurt of those past relationships and bring yourself into the
present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the past. Commit
to starting over, allowing your fears to be there but reminding yourself that
this is a new day.
2. Not Feeling Understood,
Valued, Loved and Appreciated.
Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved and
appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other
person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start
appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really
works!
If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing and
feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be
aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of
them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some
appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in
your life.
3. Not Making their
Relationship a Priority.
Many couples take each other for granted and don't give their
relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and
connection can be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your
relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with
your partner.
It is logical to think that sex happens long before the
bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are
these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together--Are
you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great
each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances?
These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a
priority. Try them in yours!
4. One or Both People
are Made to Feel They are "Wrong."
One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make
each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up
and suddenly that person who you love and they love you becomes an
"enemy."
Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop
and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will
drive you further apart or move you closer towards healing. Open your heart to
understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you.
Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we
assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to
find out!
5. Not healing your
heart after a previous relationship breakup.
Many people go from relationship to relationship without
truly healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their
previous relationship and what they could have done differently. They keep
repeating the same mistakes over and over again and always expect a different
outcome.
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