YOU HURT HER MORE THAN YOU THINK

It was a perfect morning for everyone, no one had the premonition of what would likely be. Even a soothsayer wouldn’t have been believed if he had said that before hand. Things were moving just the way it should before then. They used to be love birds.

J Don as he is fondly called by his admirers has this innocent look, doesn’t seem like one who could hurt a fly, he used to be the dream of every girl in the neighbourhood, because he wasn’t known for being a flirt, neither is he

DON'T THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIM THEREAFTER

I met my husband just over 20 years ago, said Susan, trying to put me in the picture of how she would come to loose her self respect and dignity, because she couldn’t say no to an emotional abuser like her husband. He had one or two girlfriend at the same time when we were courting but I fell pregnant, so we got married, she explained.

Years after we discover we weren’t just compatible, he didn’t stop womanizing and treated the house as a transit camp so we decided to get a divorce or better put, he wanted his freedom. In spite of the divorce, we

WHAT IF YOU ARE BEING USED

It is one thing that lives with us; you’d just realize the person you thought you had something good to do with is only using you to satisfy his/her selfish ends. Often, we hear people being used and dumped. He/she becomes nice and so friendly because of what they can possibly gain from you. Once they get it, your existence becomes a story. I assume nobody would want to wish this to even his farthest acquaintance, it is something

NEGATIVE INFLUENCE CAN DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

“Let me tell you Abby, if I were in your shoes, I will not take the kind of bullshit James hands over to you! How can you just sit there and allow him walk all over your rights in your own home and still do the submissive wife act? If I must remind you, the Beijing conference has empowered women to have equal rights with men. So I don’t see reason why you should just sit there crying over this situation while your husband continues to step on your toes by

WHAT IF YOU'VE JUST BEEN DUMPED?

She tried all she could to see that the relationship moved to the next level but his randy adventure ended her dream. Chike got another woman pregnant and as their tradition demands, must marry her.
More to some than to others, but chances are that at some stage of our illustrious dating career, we’ve been dumped, left behind, discarded like

GETTING INTIMATE ABOVE 40

Intimacy is one word that defines a good working relationship. You get intimate because you really want a relationship to work. You want to feel loved and love the person back, not because he/she is the perfect match but because love is a natural thing. This all encompassing word could be very challenging and varies with age. Relationship for youths is given a different definition from the older folks. Youthful marriage is always vibrant, lively, sparkling, full of desperation etc, but this tend to decrease with age. The older they become, the less attractive they find the relationship. With this, one would be prompted to ask if it’s not the same set of couples that

MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK A SECOND TIME

If she had stayed up till now, it would have been three years Christine walked out of her marriage of 15 years that produced two kids. She hasn’t faired any better for the past 24+ months and has not enjoyed the company of a better half. The husband on the other hand had wished it never happened and reconciliation didn’t work either.

It all started in 2010; just as we were about to take our dinner, walked in this beautiful lady heavily pregnant. My husband had a business trip so we weren’t expecting him for the next two days. I thought perhaps we had a new neighbour who came for familiarization visit. She was looking quite innocent and had her pregnancy approaching delivery.

ARE YOU IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

Having a long lasting, mutually satisfying relationship is possible; you just have to make the relationship work. You may not have to be into big public displays of affection. Some couples love in a much quieter, subtler way, one that’s brought them both great happiness, as well as the capacity to endure challenges and hardship. People in successful relationships owe much of their success to small acts of respect, compassion, anticipation, honesty and generosity.

When couples are in a state of distress and hopelessness about their partnership, it is often difficult for them to have a sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. When people feel isolated, separated or distanced from their partners, they react by becoming anxious, angry and controlling or they withdraw and put into themselves. We all need relationships for survival. Most couples understand this to some level but don’t have a sense of what it looks like to be connected and supportive of each other. Always treat your partner with respect, honesty and integrity. It takes a great deal of courage to allow oneself to risk being open to another person. This is even greater when that person really matters to us. Being sure to treat our partner the same way that we want to be treated strengthens our bonds.

Endeavour to be there if your partner is in distress and offer him/her a safe haven. We all need safe emotional connection and someone that we can depend on when we are upset, feeling down or feeling unsure of ourselves out in the world. Feeling emotionally isolated from our partner is terrifying. Learning to be there for each other when needed is the ultimate act of love.

 We all have our weaknesses and therefore should be willing to accept your partners weaknesses, not just their strengths, understanding where our partner is vulnerable and what their fears may be will create a sense of knowing what builds a strong foundation upon which a relationship can build and grow. We fall in love with our partner’s strengths and theirs with ours. It is the vulnerabilities and fears that create the bumps that is capable of creating a disconnect in the relationship.

It is important to always resolve conflicts in a general and loving way. When we feel secure with our partner, we are more able to resolve differences easily and not get caught in blaming each other and fighting to the death. Knowing that fights are really protests over emotional disconnection can aid you in moving more quickly to resolution.

Some couples don’t show interest in their partner’s life. This is a mistake. When there is a strong bond in a relationship, we are more open and curious to the things that excite our partner. We will not be able to create a strong connection unless we allow our partner to truly know us and for us to truly know them in return. Joining with our partner in things that make them happy creates the strong connections that we yearn for.

Learning to forgive your partner when they make mistakes helps you reconnect more readily when there is an upset. The willingness to attend to our partner’s deepest disclosures is the beginning of mutual responsiveness and healthy connection.

It is also advisable to show reassurance and support when we can, let our partner know that they are still loved even when we may be upset by their actions. Openness, attunement and responsiveness are key elements of a secure relationship.

Just as a flower will wilt and die if it is neglected, your relationship will also fail to thrive if you don’t take the time to nurture it. Celebrate the big and small moments in the relationship.

Love is a continual cycle of coming together and loosing connection. If we trust the connection, we shouldn’t feel so much distress when there is a disagreement. Ultimately, we know that our partner is there for us.

Going out on dates, making small gestures and creating rituals will strengthen the bond between you so that you can withstand the bumps that are inevitable in any relationship.

WHEN TO KISS THAT RELATIONSHIP GOODBYE

Relationship is a beautiful union of two human beings for the same course which begins when they find they are soul mates and customarily break up when they feel the other person as the most unsuitable match he/she can ever find. It is quite funny that the revolution is derived at many a time, within a very short span of time. At this instance, two possible questions arise: did they mistakenly conceive each other as soul mates? Or did they fail to meet up with the demands of the relationship? Whatever be the case, it is always advisable to quite a relationship when somebody feels it is horrible to continue. The most understood reason for dropping the attractions in a short time is getting into a relationship without proper analysis of the partner. Many couples decide to maintain relationships because of the peripheral attraction and by the time they realize what life is, they will be in a hooked up situation. It is better to leave a relationship if it gives only issues and dissatisfaction.

If you feel you no longer receive the due respect and concern, then it’s high time you watched where the clocking is ticking. This unionism should be one filled with cares and feelings for each other, trying to maximize comfort and always ready to watch each other’s back. Emotional or physical abuses are to be resisted in a relationship and one has to think twice immediately the reverse surfaces. There are trial times though but differentiating the sheep from the wolf is a key to survival. Modern relationships do not bind one to suffer lifelong even where incompatibility stares him/her on the face.

Romance is the sum of all the struggles and tensions undergone in relationships. People get into it to enjoy the romantic presence of the partner and accomplish the human tendency of loving and being loved. If one of the partners does not understand the importance of affection in a relationship, it cannot go further in effective manner. You need not compromise your life for a partner who is less affectionate or rude to you. Lack of romance is the obvious sign of lack of interest. When the love meter dips down perpetually, then one has to understand it as the right time to go away from the partner.

Trust is a delicate string that binds the partners in a relationship together. As soon as you realize broken trust in a relationship, leave without considering the consequence. Trust is a way of expressing the love, concern and value one feels for the other person. If any one of the partners doesn’t care about maintaining the trust, then it is always better to hold back.

When the relationship infuses into a persistent sad feeling, then it’s no longer beneficial. Thirst for happiness is said to be the driving force behind every action in human life. When the friendship offers you depression, rather than peaceful life, then going on with it and being optimistic things would get better wouldn’t make sense. But wait, before you draw conclusions, is the depression as a result of your own mentality or ignited by the courtship shortcomings. If the later is the case, then the relationship might be heading to the rocks. It ruins your personality if you make him/her a priority while you are only an option.

REASONS SOME WOMEN DUMP THEIR MEN

Chris has never imagined any woman could leave him for any reason. He was rich, handsome and had a sex appeal that women moon over. He has had the best women around and after playing the games, decided it was time to settle down. He met Tracy whom he considered his ideal woman and proposed after four months of courtship. She accepted and the marriage preparations commenced.

Somehow along the line, Tracy began to develop a cold feet, she realized that getting married to Chris wouldn’t only mean loosing her identity but much more. As the marriage date drew closer, she realized she couldn’t go ahead with it and not knowing how else to go about it i.e. telling him, she chose the only option she could handle; she disappeared on her wedding day and left her man stranded on the alter.

Break-ups and heart breaking for both men and women; yet, men and women dump partners at all times. There can be reasons or no reasons at all. Whatever it is, very fewer relationships are found to be ever sustaining and ever progressing. Women, many times, drop the relationship for obvious reasons. They are sensitive to the core and at the same time, bold to the extreme. They tend not to forget trivial mistakes, unforgivable actions can be ignored by them. The unpredictability of women makes it harder to analyze the most common reasons for them dumping their men. Each woman approaches relationships in a subjective way, thus what makes a serious reason for a woman to dump her man may seem ignorable by another.

Secondary or multiple affairs of men constitute a reasonable cause for many women dumping their men. Cheating or breaking trust is unforgivable for many of them and when found that the man is dating someone else too, they are most likely to avoid the man.

Another trust related reason is telling lies or pretending to be what you aren’t. Some men try to continue a relationship by twisting facts over and again just to cover their shortcomings. When men do not adhere to promises or commitments, it is considered as an act of distrust. Women generally, do not tolerate someone they can’t trust.

Another factor is when a woman feels that the man is becoming a control freak, enjoy ruling over everything without giving her a chance to exercise her own right, she may possibly get away from the relationship. Though men are and should be naturally authoritarian, excessive exhibition of this trait becomes a turn off. Dominance over her personal life is a feature most women detest from men. Suffice it to say that women are meant to be submissive but not to the detriment of their own freedom.

DON'T BE IN A HURRY TO MAKE THAT DECISION

It’s your right to choose, yes, but it is not just all about you. It’s about the effect of your choice. Is it likely to be negative or positive? Your choice today determines your tomorrow. Yes, God has a beautiful plan for you; to give you a good future and hope. Every choice you make today has an effect in your life tomorrow and that’s why understanding the effect of your choice is of paramount importance. Your ability to get this picture in mind would really guide your daily choices in life. It is really one thing to make a choice but a different thing to get acquitted with the consequences of those choices. Different people at different times had faced difficult times as a result of unfavourable decisions. Therefore, for one to make a choice of ‘had I know’, one must understand the pros and cons of such choices on a long run.

In making choices that will determine the level of your success tomorrow, you must avoid taking impulsive decisions. Don’t be in a hurry to take that delicate decision. Do not allow the seemingly gratification of your immediate desires to blind your reasoning and sense of good judgement.

We all face the same situation in our daily life, and more often than not, make the same condemnable mistakes. When we catch a glimpse of something we want, we are at impulse to get it. Our feeling of fulfillment, satisfaction and applause for getting that which we want makes us belief so much in ourselves. However, the big question has always been; what is the lasting effect of your decisions? Can you boldly congratulate yourself years later for taking that decision when you did?

The same whole process is also applicable to marital choices. When you see a man or young lady the first time, what becomes of you. Most of us would naturally exaggerate our feelings, allowing lust to overrule, these thought make our seemingly much easier. This is because if you are void to this so called love feeling, then what good will your future consideration be.

There is always the possibility of the pressure of the moment to distort our perspective and make the decision seem urgent. Whereas in the real sense, there is no urgency in decision making, no matter where the pressure is coming. We must, for our own good and better future, compare the short term fulfillment of our choices with the long term effect before finalizing.

Furthermore, we might as well feel great pressure in one area of our focus that nothing else seems to count in other areas and we tend to lose perspective. As difficult as these short, pressure filled moments are, God is ever ready to grant us reasonable understanding and analysis of the situation around us only if we believe in him. He will never lead us into making hasty decisions that are regrettable in the future. Avoid being a prey in the hand of your adversary by depending solely on God to discern between deception and truth.

Do not rush into your choice and hastily make decisions on your would be spouse. Exercise a little patience and observe one another in different conditions, situations and places. Time has a way of revealing beyond the wonderful and pleasant appearance and soft attentive touch. Do not allow anyone pretending to love you while looking for personal gain lure you into regrettable choices. But in all your choosing, choose Christ and your future is guaranteed.

WEIRD REASONS HE GETS ATTRACTED TO YOU

According to scientists, there’s a whole lot more that goes into attraction than looking hot and having a killer personality. Below are some strange reasons we might get attracted as put together by Dr. Helen Fisher (Biological Anthropologist).

·        Your Posture:      Heels don’t just make your legs look great, they also make our body get into lordosis or the spinal posture where our backs are naturally arched and our rears are tipped upward. This pose attracts dudes on a primal level because female mammals naturally crouch down and angle their butts when they are about to mate.

·        Your Scent:                   A recent study by German researchers revealed that our bodies put off a natural ‘scent’ to help us find mates that have strong immune system.

·        Your Smile:                   Interested in a guy? Smile at him. He will most likely get attracted to your smile. Think about it, when someone smiles at you, you naturally mimic the grin, even if you don’t realize it. The reaction smile moves muscles in the face which, in turn, stimulate the nerves that produce the brain’s feel-good chemicals.

·        Your Gaze:                   Your eyes can also influence a guy’s attraction through the phenomenon known as copulatory gaze. Basically, looking into a guy’s eye for two-three seconds flips a primitive switch in his brain which makes him react to your hotness or retreat.

·        Your Teeth:         A new study of singles in America found that one of the biggest things guys look for in a girl is a set of good dentition. Your chompers sub-consciously tell him a lot about you, like your age and health. Thinking about it: white teeth shows you have good nutrition, good hygiene and personal habits even when those assumptions are not always right. Yellow teeth on the other hand might be sending a wrong signal.

·        Your Hair:          Your hair, like your teeth tells a guy a lot about your health. Shiny, healthy hair is a sign of youth and fertility, sub-consciously telling him that you would be able to carry on his genes.

SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT PARTNER

It is no longer news that just as the issue of economic melt-down has become a global challenge, so is the task of getting ‘Mr/Miss Right’  among singles. It is not peculiar to any part of the world as that which is good for the geese would also be good for the gander.

Take a survey of marriageable singles and ask why they are still single, I bet you, majority of the answers would be; searching for Mr/Miss right. I think the right answer should be; I’m not adequately prepared and is yet to come to terms with my unrealistic expectations. The irony of life is that anyone is an imperfect being endlessly waiting for the perfect human being who will suit their personality without much effort from their own side.

The more detailed you are about marriage and relationship, the easier for you; time spent on preparation for marriage is an investment. The difference between success and failure in marriage is determined by the level of information we have as singles.

As challenging as the preparation for marriage is, it cannot be compared to the long time marriage relationship and its challenges. It is more challenging staying married than getting married. Success in marriage is a series of right choices, your habits and choices now determine your marriage and life. While making these choices, fill your heart with a sense of destination in the marriage.

Some singles think they will only be happy or well taken care of when they get married to a particular person, for instance, a pastor, the best looking lady, the most intelligent and well placed man in the society, the happening guy, etc. remember, character is the decisive test of maturity. You must be very observant of that person’s character, family background and attitude. A healthy relationship in the nuclear family of your partner makes for a healthy relationship in the marital home. Check out how he, as a man, treats his mother. Is he tender, loving and understanding or rude and demanding? Does he shout his mother down? How does this man treat you before marriage? Does he talk to you with respect? Is he on time for appointments?

As much as the above aspects are to be seriously considered, do not forget that we are dealing with an imperfect human being and not some hero of a romantic novel. Everyone has shortcomings and son e of these would have to be overlooked, both yours and those of your prospective partner. Besides, a perceived weakness can present an opportunity to grow and if your prospective mate shows a desire to improve, you have to help.

Many singles look out for compatibility tie but do you know we can all be great actors, especially, when we are trying to impress. Strange as it may seem, it is possible to be in courtship with someone, get married and later find out that you did not really know that person so well. Singles should also realize that to a certain level, all couples are incompatible and marriage itself is purely a ground of differences in views, needs and values. Compatibility is determined by how adaptable both of you are and not how identical. The search for Mr/Miss Right will be less traumatic if couples realize the above. When an individual is well adjusted in life, he/she will most likely be compatible with anybody. Compatibility is more of a personality ‘fit’. Instead of asking; do we agree on everything? A better question would be, what happens when we disagree?

You are safer getting married to your friend, even when both of you were not friends before the beginning of the relationship. You should not get married without being each other’s friends. In a truly successful marriage, couples are good friends and enjoy each others company. It is difficult to sustain a close relationship in marriage when couples are not friends. Do you respect and esteem each other highly and value each other’s opinion?

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU VALUE

Marriage in the right perspective is not a temporary contract. It is a life time union devoid of separation unless by death. With this understanding, it implies that it is an unconditional conscious attempt of two adults who have agreed to live together as husband and wife. It is unconditional with respect that no excuse is excusable before God for the dissolution of marriage. Bearing this in mind, it therefore behooves anyone planning to join this institution to indeed count the cost before embarking on it. Proper and careful considerations should be given to the proposal and acceptance of marriage partnership.

Your ability to evaluate your values guarantees the success of your marriage. People occupy different positions in life from where they see things from different perspectives. The level of value you place on anything determines the height of your attraction or attention to such a thing. Indeed, it is not realistic to make one thing your priority and be a master in another. your value in life determines your interest.

It is not a gain saying that so many who are struggling to continue in marriage did not properly place their values. Their wrong placement of values made them choose one whom they are not compatible with. This indeed is a tragedy. Once there is a wrong value placement, there is bound to be crisis. The reason is that sooner or later, the reality of the right value comes to play, but more often than not; the choice would have already been made.

Yes, no one is perfect, and no one as well is expecting a perfect marriage but atleast, get close to perfection. Your decision along the line determines you’re the outcome of your finish line. No human being is really an angel looking for a blameless damsel to marry. There is no completely perfect marriage but you must endeavour to build an ideal one which should be enviable. However, this can only be possible when your value is placed around Godly character.

It also worth it to formulate ones value around integrity. Integrity is a long term character trait. This guarantees protection from life from life undue harassment. Jeanette Winterson (2012) asserts: “when I say I will be true to you, I am drawing a quiet space beyond the reach of other desires”. Integrity partners with honesty in life. It is being what we say we are. These are two powerful forces that preserve one along life’s way. We gain trust in life through honesty which boosts our integrity. Integrity enhances the ability to keep a clear conscience before God and man. This is inevitable in any good marital relationship. It is very vital for peaceful co-existence. It differentiates you from the crowd.

CREATING A FRESH RELATIONSHIP AFTER A BREAK-UP

You always hear people say things like; after the rain comes the shine. It is that time when you have gone through a harrowing experience or trying to recover from a broken heart, it may look like it will never but believe you me, time does heal all wounds.

Wallowing in self pity is never the best way to get over heartbreaks but we do it afterall. Some express this in variety of ways: cry, spending night staring into darkness, confusion, loss of concentration, you name it. Broken relationships always leave bitter tastes in our mouth when we remember them and for some people, it takes years before they get over the pain and move on.

All the same, I will start making a clean break and creating a fresh start is the best way to forget the past and move on with your life. There is no need crying over a split milk or indulging in vengeful thoughts that will create bitterness in your heart and these things have a way of reflecting in your attitude to others thereby avoiding them as much as you can. Make up your mind to start afresh and be determined not to make the same mistakes twice. One of the ways to avoid this is by ensuring you don’t choose the next person just because they happen to look or act like your ex. This usually have a boomeranging effect on the long run. You will end up not being truly satisfied with that person because you will keep comparing him/her with your ex and most times, they fall off the pedestal which you have placed them.

In creating a fresh relationship, ensure you are healed of all hurts from the former relationship. There’s no need carrying an excess baggage full of complexities and inhibitions to the love zone of a new relationship. No one likes to hear how wonderful your ex was when you were still dating. Be sure you are totally healed from a broken heart before jumping into a fresh relationship.

The next thing to do is to build up your friendship data base. Most of us find romance at work or through our network of acquaintances. If this isn’t working for you, you may need to extend your friendship circle. The best way to do this is to spend more time on leisure activities that you enjoy and meet other individuals who like the same thing. The more friends you have, the more chances you have of meeting that special one. Try meeting new friends by changing the circle of friends you had with your ex. That way, you will not easily run into your former lover or make the mistake of dating any of their friends.

When you have cast your net into the ocean of new friends, I’m sure you will definitely catch a big fish! So don’t develop cold feet when a new date comes up no matter how trivial the date might be. It might be an invitation to a lunch or special dinner date. Accept it graciously and prepare your mind to have a lovely time. First dates can be frightening and fraught, so don’t expect too much. All you really need to establish is that you are comfortable with the other person and don’t feel physically repelled by them. If you’ve had a good time on the date, there’s no harm in professing through text or phone call of how much you enjoyed it. I’m sure a second date wouldn’t be far fetched. Many ladies are always afraid of doing this in a bid to exonerate themselves from appearing too desperate or cheap but I tell you, the way you carry yourself thereafter is what influences the guy’s impression of how you feel. A gentle ‘would you like to meet up again sometime’? should be enough to establish if there’s any spark between the two of you. If you don’t want to meet again, its good manners to gently let the other person know the truth.

New relationships are always sweet and exciting at the beginning. Enjoy the feeling of being in lover again and make sure that this time you put in your best and eliminate all the mistakes you made in your previous relationships that could cause a break-up in the new one.

Culled from Sunday Mirror