DO NOT BE IN A HASTE

Only if I had waited more, atleast, the true him would have been revealed. I should have known he is a shadow of himself. I wish I never allowed my emotions control me. Those were the words of Jane as she watched her 3 years marriage crash like a pack of cards. It only produced a kid, short lived with so many disagreements before she finally gave up on it without thinking twice.

It started back in summer 2009, I was on leave so decided to spend some quality time admiring nature, she continued with her story. Just gazing at the way fun lovers were enjoying their sun-bath with couples holding hands and taking a stroll off the river bank, I wish he never died, but their was little or nothing I could do to deliver him from the cold hands of death.

Only if he had listened to me and cancelled that trip. Craig was more than a friend, he meant everything to me, I doubt if his kind exists, but he died anyway.

At about the time I feel I should take a break for my favourite TV programme-cartoon network, I felt someone’s presence behind me. I’m sorry if I intruded into your privacy, he said innocently. No you didn’t, just that you remind me I had to take my leave. He is quite handsome and gentle looking. Apparently he came alone, birds of a feather they say flock together so sticking with him wasn’t a bad idea. It seems you came alone, he enquired, I reluctantly replied with little or no interest in his conversation. Little did I know that Chris would later become my better half. By the way, I am Chris and I choose to address you as a cool damsel going by your mood, he continued. Seeing that my response was almost repulsive, he questioned if he should leave, but I thought it was bad way of welcoming someone you just met. I told him I was only thinking of how fast I could meet my parents the following day. I gave in to the discussion and off we went. His words were reasonable enough that we exchanged pleasantries. Not too long after our first meeting, we became friends, seeing each other more often. Six months into it, I got engaged and within some few months, our marriage plans were underway. As the date was fixed, it seemed as if it triggered misunderstandings, disagreeing on every little thing we did. I initially saw it as the inevitable in ‘about to weds’. Few days to the D-Day, I was prompted to check his diary for some directories, lo and behold, I saw a list of her ex’s. Some lasted for just one month, others 3. It then downed on me I was dealing with a three month man, I wish I never accepted or perhaps I’m the special lady. I had to go on with the marriage even when I have developed a cold feet, I wish I had waited more.

Jane is hardly the first woman to say I do when her heart wasn’t in it. Thirty percent of now divorced women say they knew it was wrong from the start. According to recent research conducted by experts, they admitted making a mistake as they walked down the aisle, only a handful backed out.

The obvious question is; if you know you are marrying the wrong guy, why do it, and what takes the blame thereafter. Why do that which you will regret later in life. Why enter into this lifetime contract when you know the conditions are not favourable. Just a little bit of time would have crossed the t’s.

A LADY'S PERSONALITY THAT MATTERS

 BE REAL:  Always see yourself as created with uniqueness, having no reason to imitate someone’s social, educational or moral background. Your creator who made you and placed you in that level knows its best for you. The fact is that someone that gets attracted to you at first sight is not looking at any other thing in you at that particular point in time except the ‘U in U’. I’ve heard ladies say most times; I like hanging out with the high class so I can get a grip of their status. The truth is this-painting your body with dark spots can never make you a leopard; you are only making a mockery of yourself by simply social climbing. No matter how hard you press, there are things the high class do that you cannot do, there are places they enter that you cannot. It costs nothing to be original but everything to fake. There’s an African adage that says “he who makes his problem known gets the solution”. In the process of trying to go western (claiming to belong where you do not), yes, you may likely get what you wished but never forget to maintain that status because any day it crashes, the cat will be let out of the bag for all I know is that any relationship built on lies doesn’t last.

FACE REALITY:         A recent study conducted on some ladies shows that 85% of them feel happier hearing/listening to what they desire to hear, positive appraisals and the like. They love to be flattered more than they love making it real; little wonder that the guy with the sweetest mouth wins the girl with lightest brain. He tells you how cute you are when in reality, you see yourself in the mirror and the cuteness becomes a mirage. Do not misunderstand me here for I am not against admiration, encouragement or making people come alive but when it comes to flirting, you better watch your back. Watch and analyze critically, that guy that says; this your dress combination do not match, I think a combination of this and that colour would have been better, also, your hairdo is quite fine but a glint of red ribbon to go with the red shoe would make a perfect outfit. He is not only correcting you but representing the so many eyes that will have a glimpse of you along the way. Usually, the sugar-mouthed guy always has something in mind, not to displease her so I can get what I want (provided he is still wooing). Before you accept any offer, check out those characters that make him real.

BE CLASSICAL:                   Despite how long a man chooses to flirt, whenever he wants to settle down, he goes for classy ladies. It doesn’t cost a fat bank account to become one, as a matter of fact, if you are virtous, determined and courageous, you are already on your way to becoming classical. Being a strut or swagger will only make you too noticeable and if care is not taken, an object of caricature, yes, you get attracted to your swagger-like foes but what do you expect when you get along with such people, they exhibit the stuff they are made of when you turn them off. Maturity is only in the brain.

BE COMPOSED:                  Generally, men enjoy staying with women that can take control when situations/circumstances overturn. Save that it is in the nature of women to feel insecured more than men. Your composure sends a signal to him; you can always take charge when he is not around, you can always wake up to the challenge when the unexpected happens.

MAN'S YET TO BE UNDERSTOOD 3s

Hello good people,

How has your day been? I believe you may have achieved set out goals even when there are lots of them underway.

As I was watching an animal documentary on courting, territory and parenting one day, I realised we humans exhibit similar courting behaviour with animals. That does not mean we are animals in the common sense. Kindly read and share with me on what I call the misunderstood 3 in a man's character.

STABILITY: Stability here simply means being calm and reasonable. It is true that some people believed that when a man is calm in a relationship, it means he is not taking it serious. No, the truth is far fetched. Calmness sometimes doesn't really mean he has nothing to offer, it could mean he is taking his time so as to minimize mistakes. A man's quiet moment is his most reasonable moment. One shouldn't be an all time socialite, there are times when you really need to commune with your inner most self, hover within your spirit but at the same time, not making her feel rejected.

TOUGHNESS: I want to state categorically here that being tough does not translate to excessive meanness, being a bully or turning her into a punching bag. There are times when you have to disagree, maintain your manliness, not always giving in just to please her. Stand your ground when its necessary. To be frank with you, it doesn't always make you a man to concur to everything your partner says but while you are being tough, do not loose your sense of tenderness.

EMOTIONS: This has to come last so you better understand the combination. It is not in the nature of men to be as emotional as women, they are designed to always mean business, take the bull by the horns, accepting either life or death in anything they do but I think healthy emotions is a sweet spice in any relationship. Emotions could come in form of cares and affections. By so doing, you still make her feel loved. Ahealthy emotion when shown at the appropriate time can never be mistaken for weakness.

Thanks for you time.

7 TIPS FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Hi Everybody,

 Any relationship devoid of frequent ups and downs could be termed a perfect one. It doesn't mean life itself does not come with disappointments but the way we handle them determines how successful we will finally be. Kindly read along with me as I share this little but rewarding tips on growing a better partner.

1.     Trust:         I always like to pick this definition of trust by the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary; the believe that somebody/something is good, sincere, honest etc and will not try to trick or harm you. This has to be a unifying factor because even before you go into it, you in one way or the other have applied some degree of trust. Its like going to a shopping mall to buy some thing which is sealed, you believe that the product or container has the content you are looking for even though you have an option of returning it when your expectation is cut off. Once you enter into a relationship, trust that the relationship will deliver (lead to a successful one) then trust in your partner. Take it upon yourself that this is what you have to do if this relationship must work. Do not always have that premonition that s/he could not be trusted and what if I give all I’ve got and there’s no assurance of getting the trust back. Before you think that way, have this at the back of your mind that there is a natural law which known or unknown to us, applies in virtually everything we do-“what goes around comes around”. Even when s/he is a player, flirt or just trying to fool around, one day destiny will strike and you will get all that you’ve invested to make it work either from your current date or someone else.

              I try to compare trust in a relationship with a lone football striker in a team even when his teammates know too well that it takes   two strikers to make a better finish than one, they give him the ball believing that somehow, one of his shots will be converted. In another      view, one can see it as a child running to welcome his father, he runs    with all the strength he has and jumps to hug his father, the little boy     has the faith that the father can never allow him fall. The same is         applicable to relationships, always believe in it and see every sign of      failure as an avenue to amend things.

2.     Commitment:       This is where willingness comes in. Just like the job we do, waking up very early in the morning to beat traffic in our bid to get to the office on time. Trying in the best way we can to meet our customer’s need and still achieve the set goals of the firm or business. If we can work this hard just to see that we meet our everyday need, we can do even more to maintain a hitch free relationship. Relationships just like every other aspect of life require high sense of responsibility. Its not just a “waka pass” thing because you are not acquaintances. It is something you invest in and there is no way anybody could expect profit from where he never invested. It is more like a secretary who resumes work by 8:00am and closes by 4:00pm. She would always want to come before her boss and leave office after her boss must have left. She tries as much as she can to get to the office at least few minutes before 8:00am, that way she is investing her time, her skills, her experiences. Knowing fully well that if she doesn’t, she could be fired. Now if she can do all this just to keep her job, she can do even more to keep her man.

3.     Honesty:     This most times are the problems of the guys they will say do I need to tell a woman everything, she will take you for granted. But I have discovered something about ladies, if you are honest to a girl, she will learn to trust you and once you can win her trust, you can as well win her love. The truth of the matter is; someone you are not honest to will always have that feeling that you are cheating on her. She asks you who the girl on phone is and you and you say she is your third cousin, why not tell her it’s the girl you met in your friend’s birthday (if its how you knew) and one thing leading to another, you exchanging pleasantries. Though she might feel bad and insecure but at least she believes you can always confide in her, yes, she knows there’s a girl next door but she can always believe in you. One thing we fail to understand is that if we lie and she discovers the truth, she becomes afraid of two things; I can’t trust him and I can’t boast he is mine. No doubt, there are times when white lies are inevitable just to salvage a situation but when its not necessary, it is better avoided. I have discovered its one of the most difficult things on earth, even when you are a professional liar, one day you will forget the sequence of your lies say something that contradicts all you’ve been saying.

4.     Forgiveness:        No matter how righteous and faithful we are, we will be offended directly or indirectly so disagreements are inherent in relationships but in life, we only disagree to agree. Do not always allow a quarrel between you exceed that day no matter the magnitude, assume that once you go to bed at night, it is only natural to sleep over it and settle before the following day. The more you nurse a feeling over time, the more you find it difficult to forgive, as it grows, it gives your mind room to believe you are better off with it. You might say within you; I want to punish him/her for treating me that way while within your partner, he thinks he is fairing better without you. Remember, no one is irreplaceable.

5.     Time Apart:  I know this might sound weird but it works. Though they say; the closer, the better, but there are times when you really have to allow yourselves miss each other. I strongly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The more you miss, the more you would want to meet but while you are apart, always keep in contact through communication.

6.     Friendship: Your lover is your friend; he is the person you can always confide in. Lovers shouldn’t see themselves as just partners or people in a relationship. There are more to it than we think, your friend is someone you like, someone you can get intimate with, one whom you can easily share secrets and feelings with. Its just like our growing up days when we always have someone we always walk around with in school, both of you always play during break (usually the same sex), sit side by side in class, stand next to each other during assembly/demolition, comes home with you and is known by your parents and siblings. You cannot deny the fact that he is your friend. This is applicable to relationships, if both of can live, adopt and behave as if it were in those days where the skies were blue, then you can make the relationship work.

7.     Love:          Just as the Bible says in 1^st Corinthians 13; and now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and well knowledge, and if I can have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. Love is patient, its kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, its neither proud nor rude. Its not self seeking and not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the both. It  always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. It never fails. Always remember that the greatest is love, an agape one at that.

Thanks.

WE CAN MAKE THAT RELATIONSHIP WORK

Hello friends,

I have observed with keen interest, the rate of divorce, break-ups, distrust and lack of commitments to relationships these days that I begin to ask myself if the world is coming to an end. Is it that our forefathers who started this and had theirs work were simply extra ordinary or was there some degree of respect for that term “relationship” which we tend not to honour. Perhaps we may have forgotten the origin of this unionism dated back in the biblical book of Genesis (2:22-24). I strongly believe there was need for a company for the first man Adam and that’s why Eve came to play. Save that a rib was taken from him, one could say she was destined to be with him considering the nature of her existence. Yes, they were the first set of couples, they couldn’t have dated, destiny joined them but it doesn’t mean they were perfectly compatible, yet they stood by each other.

Imagine what Adam’s reaction would have been if he were in this generation; to see that Eve’s disobedience (on the fruit in the middle of the garden) landed them into a lifetime trouble, that probably would have been the end of the marriage. Some will argue that Adam had little or no option other than to continue with her. The much we know about the mode of communication/association between God and man then was mainly physical and I’m sure God would have granted him that request if he never wanted that Eve (maybe another Eve would have come). Others will say we are in a generation where anything is possible and people are beginning to get wiser than they should. In my opinion, I think this is even the time when we should express/respect that which was, has been and will always be.

The hidden truth remains; intolerance is the key factor that leads to most break-ups. Suffice it to say that lack of love has been the major cause but before you begin to love someone, you would tolerate and allow him/her to fit into you own lifestyle.

Thanks.